Men feed off the energy you provide. Which kind are you supplying?

In the 2010 film Leap Year, the main character Anna (played by Amy Adams) is the quintessential modern woman: career focused and take charge. Toward the end of the film, Declan, her love interest, says to Anna, “Why don’t you stop trying to control everything in the known universe? It’s dinner. Have a little faith that it will all work out.”

To which Anna replies, “I’ve heard that one before.” Then she launches into the reason why she has to take control of everything: because growing up her father couldn’t hold a job, which led to constant financial instability—including her family home getting repossessed.

When Declan responds to this information with genuine surprise and compassion, one detects in Anna a moment of vulnerability. Then she quickly resumes her controlling ways.

Anna is the ultimate embodiment of an all-too-familiar story: what happens when a woman has the femininity knocked out of her as a little girl as a result of having a father on whom she could not depend.

The reasons may differ, of course. Perhaps her father wasn’t a steady provider. Perhaps he was an alcoholic. Perhaps he was a good dad, but she rarely saw him because her parents were divorced so the bond was never really established. Whatever the reason, she erroneously concluded that she couldn’t depend on a man.

Thus, she decided to become the man.

Problem is, as children we don’t have the experience or objectivity to see that this conclusion is immature. That one’s father couldn’t be depended on doesn’t mean no man can. Yet that is the takeaway.

Add to this experience a culture steeped in feminism—which, at its core, is a war with men—and you get a perfect recipe for a nation full of women who can’t cede control. They can’t afford to be the kinder and gentler sex. They have to be their own providers and protectors instead.

These women think they’re warding off pain or disaster by being in charge all the time. In fact, they’re keeping love at bay. Because men aren’t attracted to masculine energy. What they want is the feminine.

Women have a natural feminine energy that, when used well, works wonders on men and marriage. It can reduce the most powerful man in the world to mere jellyfish. Too many women give up on love before putting this power to use. And it’s just sitting there for the taking! Not using it is like flushing a million dollars down the toilet.

Men literally feed off the energy you provide. Which kind are you supplying?

Do you find yourself running around like a chicken with your head cut off? Do you find it impossible to relax? Do you enjoy a good argument? Do you pounce on your husband the moment he comes home with a list of things that need to get done? Do you talk too much? Complain a lot? Do you insist on being in charge? 

This is the opposite of feminine energy.

Let’s try an experiment. For the next two weeks (because research shows it takes two solid weeks to begin seeing change), do everything opposite of the way you would normally do it. When your man says something with which you disagree, say something like, “That’s interesting.” Where you would normally interject your thoughts or opinions, don’t. Let the silence speak for itself. Where you would normally complain, say something positive instead. Where you would normally instruct, ask—preferably with a please or a thank you. Where you would normally say no, say yes. You get the idea.

Do this for 14 days, and you’ll have begun to shift your marital dynamic. If you can keep it up, it’ll just keep getting better.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne is an author, a coach, and a podcast host committed to helping women let go of cultural beliefs that undermine their happiness in life and in love.