5 Reasons Men Should Avoid Casual Sex, Too

Last week I wrote an article entitled “Ladies, Stop Trying to Have Sex Like a Man.” In it, I wrote that the birth control pill may keep women from getting pregnant, but it can’t do a thing about female nature.

A woman’s unique sexual psychology isn’t designed for hookups. The oxytocin that floods her body causes her to get attached whether she intends to or not. This is true even for sexually liberal women.

Men are different. They have oxytocin, too, but a much smaller amount—and are thus more capable of detaching after a hookup. That this is true, however, doesn’t mean men should take advantage of this fact. Nor does it necessarily mean they’ll walk away unscathed.

Here are 5 reasons why men should avoid uncommitted sex, too:

  1. She will likely get attached, and you won’t. As a man, you may not be interested in having a relationship—and she may tell you she isn’t either. But whether she’s telling the truth or not, the chances of her wanting something more after the fact is huge. You and she are not sexual equals.
  2. She may accuse you of sexual misconduct afterward, even if it was she who initiated the sex. Let’s face it: In the age of #Metoo, you just can’t afford to sleep with women you don’t know extremely well. As one astute commenter of my article wrote:

    “The reality is that in so many cases where we have facts because of law suits following a Title IX kangaroo court, the women clearly wanted a relationship when she was giving herself away immediately. In case after case, her texts are explicit and clear and her follow-up texts are just as clear, that she felt used, even when it was her who initiated the “casual hook-up.” She was unaware that it is difficult to get from what she did to what she wanted, that the boy may not have ever been that “in to her,” just wanting to enjoy the physical act. Then, in case after case, a college advocate, a feminist advisor or professor convinces the woman that any intercourse or physicality that she regrets later is a crime and that the man who was an equal participant, not an aggressor, needs to be punished. The man is often then pilloried, his good name ruined, booted out of college, his reputation in tatters and all for a completely consensual “hook-up” that the female half of the equation regretted or became angry about later, often it seems because it didn’t lead to a lasting relationship.”

  3. If she’s older, she might tell you she’s using birth control when she’s not bc she wants a baby—and then bam, all of the sudden you’re a dad. With so many women postponing marriage indefinitely, many get desperate for a baby in their thirties and will use a man to get the sperm they need. Your entire life can be ruined by a simple roll in the hay. Don’t let it happen to you.
  4. It’s wrong to use someone for personal gain. This really should be the first on the list, honestly. No one should ever “use” anyone. It’s wrong, pure and simple. And you will likely feel badly for doing so.
  5. You should respect women even when they don’t respect themselves. As a culture, we hail (as we should) the man who refrains from taking advantage of a woman when she’s drunk. In the vast majority of cases, women who engage in one-night stands are drunk. That they may come on to you under such circumstances doesn’t give you license to take advantage of them. Always treat a woman the same way you would if she were sober: with respect.

There’s a simple solution to not landing in any one of the above scenarios: never go to bed with a woman you don’t love deeply and know extremely well. To do so is to play with fire.

Suzanne Venker

Suzanne is an author, a coach, and a podcast host committed to helping women let go of cultural beliefs that undermine their happiness in life and in love.